


Lingering Echoes

by Hunter67



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester Fight, Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester Use Their Words, Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester in Love, Eventual Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester - Freeform, Sam Winchester Detoxing From Demon Blood, Sam Winchester on Demon Blood, Sam Winchester/Dean Winchester - Freeform, Slow Burn, Wincest - Freeform, cas, castiel - Freeform, fight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:08:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 20,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29705229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hunter67/pseuds/Hunter67
Summary: Sam and Dean have fought many times in the past, as brothers do. But this time it’s different. They go their separate ways, each dealing with the trauma in their own ways. Cas is gone, Dean is alone, and Sam is fighting his own battle.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Wincest
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. Burn

**Author's Note:**

> I will be updating the tags as I go. Especially when the smutter parts come in.

Dean struggled to fall asleep, tossing and turning under the rough blanket. The broken air conditioner at the front of the dark motel room sputtered as it filled the room with barely any cool air. Glancing over at the red numbers of the clock he saw it was barely past two am.

He groaned as he pulled the uneven pillow from under his head and put it over it. Trying to mask the sounds flooding his ears and the light that shone in from the blinds that refused to close all the way. After just a few minutes Dean realized he wasn’t going to get any sleep. Not tonight anyways.

Sitting up he rubbed his eyes, straining to see in front of him. His body was tired, but his mind refused to shut down. He couldn’t stop thinking about everything he had said and how he couldn’t change it.

_God, I’m so stupid_ , he thought cursing himself.

It had been a month of restless nights, days blurred together, roads that lead to hunt after hunt. Half the time he didn’t even know where he was going. Hunting didn’t give him the same feeling it had before. There was no feeling of success when he saved the people and killed the monster. Not anymore.

How could he? He was all alone. He screwed up big time. A month without Sam is a month of Hell. And this was coming from a man who spent forty years in Hell. Yeah, Sam had gone off to Stanford years before, leaving Dean and their father, but this time was different. This time it was Dean who told him to leave.

The hunter regretted every word he had yelled at his brother. Every insult, every spiteful word, every piercing glare. He should have been helping Sam instead of fighting with him. He didn’t want to lose him, but in the end he did.

He knew he would eventually have to make his way back to Kansas. Back to the bunker. But the lingering memories of what they once had haunted the halls. He never even cleaned up after the fight. Dean had broken several bottles and chairs in his rage.

Even Cas was gone. Angered at Sam for what he had been doing behind their backs. And ashamed of Dean for his reaction.

“You two care for each other! Act like it!” He could still hear Cas’ voice ringing in his ears. It was the last thing the angel had said before flying out of the bunker. Disappearing out of thin air, leaving no evidence he was there other than the papers on the table fluttering.

_I don’t know how to fix this. Fuck, Sammy._

Dean threw his clothing and laptop into his green duffle bag and left the room, slamming the door behind him. In the driver’s seat of the Impala Dean gripped the steering wheel. Not sure if he should leave or stay and try to sleep. His vision was blurred with the hot tears he no longer noticed nor cared about.

He had cried more in this last month than he had ever in his life. He cried for Sam, for his life, for the chance to see him again and hopefully not completely gone. He cried for Cas, he wanted his best friend back. And he cried for himself, he wasn’t whole without Sam. He was empty.

Wiping the tears away Dean started Baby up and flew out of the motel parking lot and down the highway. He didn’t even know where he was, somewhere in the Midwest, but the town, he had no clue. He’d look at a map when the sun came up, but for now he just drove.

His mind wandered back to that day a month ago. He should have seen the signs sooner. Sam was suddenly so much better at hunting, he was quicker, smarter, more alert. FUCK! He screamed, slamming his fist down onto the wheel. The sadness turned to anger again.

“How could you do this to me, Sam?!” He yelled out to no one.

Dean let his anger wash away as his mind raced. “How could you do this to yourself?”

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Several days passed, another hunt, another cheap motel. Dean was in Illinois this time. Some random small town with an even smaller werewolf problem. Just one, easy. Dean held nothing back though. One rogue werewolf shouldn’t take multiple knives and guns, but Dean didn’t care. He needed to hurt something.

He had begun taking his anger out on the monsters. Torturing them before making the final kill. Not caring about anything. It was like he had the Mark all over again, and his days as a demon. He just didn’t care. Only this time he did care about one thing, Sammy.

When he tried to not think about Sam he became numb. Numb to the world around him, the people he passed on the street, the waitress who on any other day he would flirt with, the people he interviewed on cases. None of them mattered. He was alive but he wasn’t truly living.

He had tried to pray to Cas, every day for the first two weeks before giving up. He never got an answer. When he finally was able to sleep he woke up, swearing that he heard the familiar sound of Castiel’s wings and he came in, but when he opened his eyes there was nothing there. Just empty darkness.

He wished Bobby was still with him. He would have known what to do. He would have been pissed off at Sam, that’s for damn sure. But even more pissed at Dean for the way he treated his brother. But he would have been there for both of them. He would have known what to say and do. But he was gone.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

“Cas, you got your ears on? Shit. I’ve given up praying to you weeks ago. You don’t answer, and I need you, man. I need…” Dean trailed off, trying to find the right words.

“I need your help. We have to help Sammy, Cas. If we don’t you know what could happen. If it hasn’t already.”

Tears began to swell in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I’m sorry I didn’t do what I should have. I should have been there for him, for Sammy. But instead I reacted like he was the monster. He’s not a monster, I refuse to believe that.”

Dean paused, letting himself go for a moment. Tears streamed down his face and glided over the curves of his nose and cheeks.

“I don’t know if I can fix this, Cas.”

Dean blinked away the tears before wiping them away. He waited a moment, standing outside of the Impala, leaning against the passenger side door. Waiting to see if the angel would appear. Nothing. Cas never showed. Shoving his hands in his pockets he walked to the other side and slammed the door as he got in.

He was utterly alone. He wondered if Sam felt alone as well. Did he miss Dean? Did he regret the fight? What he had done? Part of Dean doubted that Sam did, but he prayed that his doubts were false. He prayed that Sam knew it was wrong, that he regretted his actions. He prayed that he prayed for Cas to help as well.

What if Cas answered Sam’s prayers? No, no, there’s no way. Cas wouldn’t do that, would he? Dean’s own thoughts debated against him. Making him question his best friend and brother.

_Why does it hurt so bad? Why does it burn?_


	2. Routine

Sam had spent the last several weeks trying to figure out where to go. Outside of the bunker he never truly had a home. Yeah there was Stanford, and the few times he got away from hunting. But those places were never home. Dean was home.

After a week of driving aimlessly, Sam finally made his way to one of Bobby’s cabins. It hadn’t been used by other hunters in a while, and he filled the fridge up with what little cash he had. He hoped no hunters would come by, and even more so any that might have known about the whole situation.

Sam spent the first few days looking for work in the small town just twenty minutes from the cabin. Being a one stoplight town there wasn’t much in the way of work. But Sam was skilled, and easily found a job working at the only gas station/auto shop in town. Years of working on the Impala with his brother paid off when it came to his knowledge of cars. And thankfully the owner didn’t ask too many questions on his credentials.

He tried settling into his new routine. Wake up. Coffee. Work. Back to the cabin. Dinner and beer. Bed. Repeat. Every day faded into the next. He hadn’t even realized over a month had gone by. On the weekends, when things got bad he went on a hunt nearby. Thankfully, he knew how to bring the monsters to him.

He felt guilty for it. For everything. But Sam believed that it was for the best. He was stronger, better, better than he was otherwise. He wished he could make Dean understand. And yet, at the same he understood. He understood why Dean said what he said, and felt what he felt. It was wrong.

Dean. The echoes of his brother’s voice, yelling at him that night screamed in his ears still. It kept him awake at night. The look on his face when he finally stopped, the utter disappointment and sadness was burned into his eyelids.

He wondered where Dean was. If he was searching for him, or if he was still hunting or just holed up in the bunker in a drunken rage. He didn’t want to think of Dean being anything but Dean.

_What if I’m wrong? I can’t stop now._

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

Sam dreamed of Dean. Of past hunts, their childhood living motel to motel. Sitting together having a beer in the bunker, laughing and just being in the moment. He had nightmares of the fight. Of what he was doing to himself. Of what he had become and will become.

He woke every night in a cold sweat. The shadows of his nightmares lingered. Forcing himself back to sleep, he was restless and uncomfortable. Every noise from outside shook him awake. What if he was Dean? What would he say to him? After everything, he feared facing him would be hard. But not facing him ever again was even harder.

He wondered about Cas, who had been his friend for years. Who had stood by him and Dean through so much. More than he needed to. Cas just left, ashamed of him, and ashamed of Dean. He had tried praying to him, but Cas never came.

_Cas, please, I really need you. I need to know if what I’m doing is the right thing. I need your help, Cas. I’m not sure if I can do this alone, and Dean sure isn’t going to come. Please._

Silence. The cabin remained empty. The silence was loud and deafening. He tried to break it, but no amount of noise would cover the emptiness. No amount of light would vanquish the shadows that clung to the corners of the room. He couldn’t escape the fight and who he was, who he was becoming.

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

Sam’s hands were raw and bloody. He caught a lucky break when a vamp wandered into the town, taking only one victim before Sam got to him.

Sam didn’t even bother with the machete yet. He instead chose to beat his face in until the vamp begs for the blade against his throat. He wanted to laugh at the thought of a vamp begging for a beheading, but nothing made him laugh. Not anymore.

Standing up he grabbed the machete and pulled the vampires limp body to it’s knees. Raising his arm high above his head he brought it down with a deliberate force. It made a heavy whooshing sound and then the only sound was the head of the vamp hitting the ground below him.

And yet it did nothing for him. Killing the monster brought forth no emotions, neither good nor bad. He felt nothing for it. After all the times he tried to leave the hunting life behind, he had always made his way back. It was who he was. He was a Winchester. He truly did enjoy it, but now he felt nothing towards it.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Alone in the cabin, Sam was left with his thoughts. He thought about how he could have said something better, something that would have made Dean listen.

Dean was so stubborn though. There was never getting through to him half the time. Sam replayed the fight in his head over and over. Imagining all the different ways he could have gone about it differently.

But he knew that in the end, Dean wouldn’t have listened. He would have still left, leaving Dean behind. And there was nothing he could do about it now.

Sooner or later I’m going to have to face him. I’m going to have to face myself.

He didn’t want to lose his brother. He didn’t want to give up everything he had come to know, all he had ever really known. He didn’t want to lose what he had, what they had. But Sam knew that he did, and it killed him on the inside. He didn’t know how to move forward.

Forward led only to more shame and disappointment. Forward led away from Dean, away from fixing this. Forward was a path of destruction, and yet so was going back.


	3. The Past

Almost two months ago:

“How long!” Dean yelled, red in the face. 

Sam stood in front of him, face blank, not knowing whether he should apologize or defend his actions. 

“How long, Sam! How long have you been drinking demon blood again?”

“Since you went to Purgatory,” replied Sam. 

“Great! So instead of trying to figure out how to get me the hell out of there, you went off and started drinking demon blood. Great. Just fucking perfect.”

“Dean, I thought that it would make me stronger. It did make me stronger. I only drank it when I needed to for certain hunts. You know I’m not as strong as you are.”

“What are you talking about, man? Of course you are. The difference between you and me is the fact that I run into the danger gun first. You plan, you learn about the monster, you’re a damn good hunter, better than me any day.”

“Dean,”

“No! You don’t get to talk. Just for hunts? Yeah, then why did I find a fucking fridge full of the shit? Did you think I wouldn’t find it? In the bunker of all places? Really, Sam?!”

Sam stared at Dean, his eyes lowered. Ashamed. He should have hid them better. He should have known the risk of Dean finding out. He also should have told Dean. 

Dean continued, “Sam, you can’t sit there and tell me you have this under control. Remember last time? You sure as hell didn’t have it under control then. Why didn’t you say something? Anything! You kept this from me, deliberately. Because it’s not just something you are doing cause it makes you a better hunter, and it’s not something you drink on occasion. I know a thing or two about addiction, hell I have my fair share of them, Sammy. You have a problem. Again.”

“Dean, I don’t have a problem,” Sam replied in a defensive tone. 

“No? Then stop. Now.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, Dean. I’m faster, stronger, better than I ever was without it. I don’t know why I ever quit. I’ve learned how to do it in moderation.”

Dean laughed, “Moderation? Yeah, heard that one before. There’s no such thing, Sam. You have to stop this, now!”

“I don’t want to, Dean!”

“I don’t care what you want! It’s no longer up to you! You are the one who decided to start drinking demon blood again! You are the one who made this choice. You sure as hell won’t be the one to choose to stop, so I’m making you.”

Dean’s face was in a permanent scowl, and he saw red as red as his face. His blood boiled with anger. Anger at Sam for being so stupid. 

“You can’t protect me forever, Dean.”

Sam stood in front of Dean in defiance. He knew that there was no way to make Dean understand. How could he? He didn’t know what was going on when he was in Purgatory. He didn’t feel how Sam felt.

“God dammit!” Shouted Dean. 

Dean gave up and picked up the beer bottle sitting on the table behind him. He threw it, smashing it to pieces on the brick wall. His anger flooded out and he took it out on the other four bottles. Breaking them all, before turning his attention to the chair in his way. Picking it up and slamming it back down on the ground. Pieces of woods scattered. 

Sam didn’t move. He knew if he did Dean would see it as a challenge. And he didn’t want to hurt his big brother. That was the last thing he wanted to do. Even though he knew that his actions have already hurt him. 

A gust of wind and the sound of wings swooped into the room. Castiel appeared before the two brothers. Dean stopped, chest heaving. 

“Sam, Dean. What? What is happening?” The angel asked. He turned to Dean. “I heard your prayer.”

“Cas, Sam’s been drinking demon blood again,” replied Dean. 

Cas’ head snapped turning towards Sam. His eyes narrowed, his face became rigid. 

“Sam! What were you thinking? You have to stop, now!”

Sam’s face turned sour. “No, Cas. I don’t need to.”

“See? He refuses to listen to reason. I don’t know what to do Cas. Short of locking him in the dungeon. That or a bullet. But I don’t want it to come to that.”

“Dean, you are not going to shoot your brother!”

“You can’t stop me,” yelled Sam. It was the first time in the fight that he raised his voice. 

Dean stepped towards his brother, pushing the remains of the broken chair to the side. Sam might have been bigger than him, but he was still older. He still commanded authority over his little brother when needed. 

“Can’t? That’s where you're wrong, Sam. I can and I will stop you. If it’s the last thing I do I will stop you. Whether that’s by forcing you to detox or putting a bullet in your head.”

“Dean!” Yelled Cas. His deep, rough monotone voice was booming. “Dean! Stop it! You two are brothers, you care for each other! Act like it!”

Cas, not knowing what action to take and figured he was best elsewhere, vanished. He went immediately to find someone who could help them. 

Dean scowled. Cas answered his prayer yet did nothing. His anger focused on the second betrayal. Sam smirked, causing Dean to lose it once again.

“Oh you think this is cute?” He asked. 

“No. I just think it’s kinda funny. You expected Cas to do something. Do what you are too afraid to do.”

“Yeah and what’s that?”

Sam shook his head. He made up his mind minutes ago. He couldn’t stay here. Not with Dean like that. Not with Dean refusing to listen.

“I’m leaving.”

“To go where? Off to drink more demon blood? Huh, Sam?”

Sam didn’t give Dean a response. He just turned around and walked up the metal staircase, leaving the bunker. The heavy door slammed behind him. It echoed, and the sound rang in Dean’s ears. 

Dean finally broke. He crashed onto the floor, completely defeated. He had lost his brother. Not to him leaving, but to the demon blood. He sat like that for a long time before the anger came flooded back. When it came back he destroyed everything in his path. 

He had to get out of there. Out of the bunker and away from the harsh reality he was just confronted with. He cared about Sam, deeper than he had ever cared about anyone else. And Sam threw that all away. 

And Cas. God dammit, Cas! Cas came and went and didn’t do a damn thing to help him. Part of him hoped that the both of them would come back soon. But he knew that if they did he wouldn’t be able to hold himself back. It was best if he left as well. 

Dean threw a bag together and tossed in the back of the Impala. He got in and drove off without a second thought as to where he would go. He noticed that the car Sam used sometimes wasn’t in its usual location just outside of the bunker. Which meant Sam had a head start, and Dean didn’t intend on following him.


	4. Friends in low places

Dean debated whether or not he should try calling Sam. He figured he had probably turned his phone off, or destroyed it. Hell, Sam most likely dropped it in some trash can before leaving the area, being thousands of miles away by now.

He lost the two people that meant the most to him in this world. He had nothing left, everyone was gone. Whether they died or moved on from him, they were gone. Even their mom, who Amara had returned to him, was off doing her own thing.

When they were younger Sam had left Dean and their Dad before. Be it Stanford or just running away, but he always made his way back to them. He always came back to family. But Dean had a sinking feeling that this wasn’t the case this time around.

The old Winchester cruised down the highway, fields on each side, sun beating down on the black car. His thoughts moved from anger to depression and back again. He couldn’t shut it off. His phone buzzed in his dark army green jacket.

Looking at his phone with one eye on the road, he read the text looking to see who it was from. His heart dropped when it saw it wasn’t from Sam. 666. Crowley.

‘I have a hunt for you and Moose. I’ll be at the bunker soon.’

_Dammit, Crowley._

He paused his thoughts. Crowley. Crowley might be able to help.

_I can’t believe I’m thinking of turning to a demon for this._

Keeping an eye on the road, Dean began to message the King of Hell back.

‘Not at the bunker. I’ll send my location.’

He pressed send and went to the share my location button, pressing it. His mind went to Sam, who would have scolded him for texting and driving. He smiled briefly, before his face dropped again. The memories of Sam haunted his mind. For every bad memory there were a thousand great ones.

But a thousand good memories can undo what had happened. It couldn’t fix it. Dean questioned whether or not it could be fixed. He didn’t want his brother to be like this, drinking demon blood, becoming someone he’s not. He wanted Sam, his Sam.

Dean pulled over to wait for the demon Crowley. Leaning against Baby, he shoved his hands in his pockets and tried to relax. He thought about what he should say, running over the words in his head over and over. Trying to find the correct string of sounds to tell Crowley what was going on.

“Hello, Dean,” a slick voice spoke in front of him.

Dean looked up to see Crowley standing there. Crowley gave a half smile, his black suit was crisp and his glare lingered as he dropped his smile. He saw that Dean was broken. He may be the King of Hell and a literal demon, but Crowley still had a sliver of goodness in him. At least when it came to Sam and Dean.

“Squirrel, where’s Moose?”

“Gone.”

“Gone?”

“Crowley, I- I don’t know what to do. Sam’s been…” he choked on the words that he tried forming. “Sam’s been drinking demon blood again.”

Crowley raised an eyebrow, “Really?”

Dean nodded, pressing his lips together.

“When did this happen?”

Dean shook his head, “When I was in Purgatory. He says that he started it up again to get stronger, to rescue me. But Crowley, he never tried.”

“That explains the demons then.”

“Demons?”

“Dean, I think I know where Sam is.”

Dean stepped forward bringing his anger with him. “Where? What the hell are you getting on?”

“Calm down. Out in Pennsylvania a lot of low level demons have been killed. They are being lured out there. I thought it was a hunter, but something about it didn’t feel right. Thought I’d pop in with you lot, see if it was one of your buddies.”

“Buddies,” Dean laughed. “Yeah, ain’t got much of those days. Why come to us?”

“Because, Dean. It’s causing issues in Hell. And issues in Hell means issues for you!”

Dean backed off, Crowley was right. Whenever something went wrong in Hell it was always the brothers Winchester who had to figure the mess out and clean it up. He wondered how he went from killing demons on sight to working with one.

“Alright. Let’s go,” replied Dean.

He didn’t want to think twice about it. He knew if he did he would question if looking for Sammy was the right thing to do. Even though he knew it was, he was his brother, his best friend. But Dean wondered if letting Sam go was for the best.

_No! How could you think that?! I have to protect Sammy, even if that means from himself._

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

They were a four day drive from Pennsylvania, especially since Dean never took Baby on the expressways. He preferred the back roads, the forest and fields that filled in the empty spaces between the small towns. He wondered if taking the turnpike would get him to Sam faster. But knew it better not, besides he needed time to think of what he would say once he saw him again.

Crowley sat restless next to him. He could have just went straight to Sam, waited for Dean. But something about Dean’s tone and body language knew that he was needed. Even if Dean didn’t say or even show that he needed Crowley in this moment it was clear. Dean needed someone who knew them, trust or not, Crowley knew them and that’s all that mattered in this moment. Dean didn’t want to be alone.

If he was forced to be alone even one more day he thought he would snap. Recklessness and endangering himself, he knew that he could go out like this. Not fixing things. Or at least trying to.

They drove in silence for hours. Dean didn’t care to stop, and Crowley knew better than to piss him off. The sun began to set and Dean decided to drive until he couldn’t any longer.

Dean took a moment several hours later to look at his watch. Almost one in the morning. His eyes were beginning to get heavy and as much as he wanted to fight it, he needed to pull over and get some sleep.

He noticed an outlet ahead and pulled into it, and turned off the Impala. Crowley looked over at him, confused but didn’t say anything. Dean kept his head forward, hands still on the wheel.

“I need to sleep. Only for a few hours.”

Crowley was taken back but the hunter suddenly speaking. It had been hours since they got in the car. “Fine by me.”

“You can stay or you can go but I’m gonna need you to get in the back. Let me stretch out.”

“Always in the back,” Crowley muttered under his breath as he vanished and reappeared in the backseat.

Dean adjusted his body and tried to find a comfortable position. Crowley wondered if he should go, but he had a feeling Dean needed him to stay. Dean quickly fell asleep, and was flooded with nightmares again.


	5. Memories

The demon stared into the hazel eyes of Sam Winchester. Unable to move from the chair he was bound to, the ropes cutting into his legs tied behind his back. Wrist bent at a painful position, lips pressed tightly against the layer of duct tape covering.

Demons aren’t supposed to be scared of any human. Yeah, the Winchester’s were known in Hell for being one of the worst fears of his kind, but this, this was different. He wasn’t supposed to feel fear like this.

His eyes were wide, refusing to shut. Shutting them meant he couldn’t see the hunter in front of him, preparing. Sam paced the room, internally battling himself and what he was about to do.

_Dean’s right. I have to stop. I need to stop. Stop!!!_

_I can’t. Not now. Just one more. Just one more._

_It’s always just one more!_

Sam forced the thoughts out of his head and grabbed the knife on the table in front of him. He turned and barreled toward the demon. The demon began to yell, muffled under the tape, as Sam raced his arm and in one quick swooping motion slit the demon’s neck.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Sam hadn’t prayed in years. The only time he ever did was when he needed Cas’ help and he wasn’t around. He knew praying to Chuck would lead to nowhere. Praying to any other angel was a bad idea, they were all dicks. Lately he had been praying.

To Cas, to no one, to Dean. They always went unanswered, yet he found solace in it. He had gone long now without someone to talk to. Without Dean, there was no one to listen to him.

It didn’t matter if no one was listening, just being able to say the words he fought with himself over, out loud gave him comfort. It was strange, why would it bring comfort if it was so painful? When it got too painful he’d forget the promises he made in his prayers and would find another demon.

The struggle to keep his promises to stop this was overpowering. During the day when he was at his part time job he found he was okay. But each moment alone, even there, it lingered in the back of his mind. Waiting. Waiting for the moment to break him down again. At the cabin it was all his mind let him think about. When was the next time he’d bring his blade to a demon’s throat? When was the next time he tasted the power of their blood? When was the next time he’d see Dean?

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Sam was jolted awake, again. This time it wasn’t a nightmare, or the call for demon blood. This time it was good, a dream.

He had dreamt of Dean and him when they were kids. Stuck inside yet another motel room, while their Dad went off on a hunt, leaving them alone for a week. Dean taking care of him, making sure he was safe.

They didn’t get to school much, so sometimes Dean would help him to learn. Sam was always considered the smarter of the two, but Dean was smarter than people realized. He just preferred to be the brawn of the brothers.

In his dream, memory really, Dean was sitting with him at the table near the window of the motel room. He was reading to him from a textbook they found. The front said Grade 3, Sam was only seven years old, a little young to be in third grade, but that didn’t matter. Dean knew he had to be able to survivor in the nonhunting world as well.

It was a good memory. Just the two of them, together, as always. Sam sat up, smiling, reliving the memory. For a moment the fight, the demon blood, all of it, washed away. And all he wanted was Dean back.

He let himself cry. His tears were soft, it wasn’t a sad cry, nor angry. He just let go. Let go of everything, his loss, his addiction. Addiction. Sam realized what this was, what he was doing to himself with the demon blood.

But as quickly as he realized this, he just as quickly began to deny it. He had to justify it. He had to have a reason why he even began to do this again in the first place. He knows that he did it to become stronger to help save his brother. But at the same time he knows he did it because it never stopped calling to him. It lingered in the background almost daily. Sometimes he ignored it. Sometimes he yelled at his own thoughts to shut up, he didn’t want to be that.

Giving into it was easier than he had thought it would be. The first time he drank demon blood after Dean went to Purgatory didn’t take any effort. He had thought that he would be repulsed by the notion. But it was like he had never stopped. It filled him with profound power, he felt invincible. He wanted to hold onto that feeling.

He knew sooner or later he would have to give it up. If he wanted to or not, he didn’t know yet. But Sam knew that he’d have to make a choice. The blood or himself. Drinking demon blood ate away at him, while it did make him feel amazing, he chewed away at the very thing that makes him Sam.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

A few days later Sam was at work. He was in the auto shop, helping out his boss with a truck that came in for issues with the engine. It was the first day in a long time that he was okay. He wasn’t thinking about Dean, demons, or anything else besides work. It felt good.

He could hear the sound of a car pulling into the lot, coming to a stop at the gas pumps. His boss, Kenny, looked up and went into the main area of the shop, where people would go to pay for their gas. Sam stayed behind, head under the hood, continuing his work. Several minutes passed and Kenny came back.

“Man, you see that car? They don’t make cars like that anymore,” Kenny said to him as he picked his tools back up and got back to work.

“No, what was it?” Sam asked in reply, not looking up.

“1967 Chevy Impala. God, what a gorgeous car.”

Sam stopped, swallowing hard, he repeated what Kenny just told him.

“Yeah? Why?”

“Nothing. It’s a nice car, yeah.”

Sam stopped talking and put all his focus on the truck in front of him. He wondered if it was Dean. He knew he could have asked what the driver of the car looked like, but he also didn’t know what his reaction would be if it was Dean. And he knew that if it wasn’t him his reaction would be worse.

When he left work that night he drove aimlessly. Afraid to head back to the cabin. What if Dean was there? Would it be the big fight round two? Or would it be what Dean calls a Chick Flick Moment? He wasn’t ready for this. Not now.

Pushing through the worry and cycling of emotions Sam decided to just go to the cabin. If it was Dean, he’d stay calm and hear him out. He’d try to make this right. If Dean wasn’t there, he’d go in and call it a night.

Sam pulled into the hidden dirt road that led to the cabin. He drove slowly, taking his time, replaying every scenario he would think of in his head. Everything he could say, wouldn’t say. What Dean would do and wouldn’t do. He needed a plan.

Pulling into the open area that the cabin was in he saw it. Baby. Sitting there where he normally parked. He stopped the car. Any shred of a plan went out the window. He didn’t know what to do. He was frozen.

“Dean,” he whispered to himself.

Sam sat in his truck for a good ten minutes before he forced himself out of the car. Slowly he walked to the cabin. Passed the Impala, empty. The light in the cabin was on. Dean was inside. Sam didn’t care if Dean was here to kill him or save him.

Sam took a deep breath, steading himself before he opened the already unlocked door. He closed his eyes as he opened inside, and as he slowly opened them he saw him. Dean Winchester.

“Hey, Sammy.”


	6. The Cabin

Dean raced down the back country road, not caring about the speed limit signs. He just wanted to get to Sam as soon as possible. At this point it was all that mattered. Not the danger of crashing, not the demon next to him, not even the fight.

He had time to give it some thought. He knew that he couldn’t lose his brother, not like this. A world without Sam is a world that Dean wanted no part of. It’s one thing if Sam, yet again, wanted to leave hunting behind, but this wasn’t that. This was leaving Dean behind.

Dean had been driving for a few days now and he was close to the small town Crowley told him there were demons being lured out to only to be killed. He slowed the Impala down to make the hour left driving so a bit longer.

“What do I say?” He asked the demon besides him.

Crowley looked up from his phone, which he had been focused on for some time now. “To Moose? You could oh so lovingly say you are sorry or you could put a bullet in his head. The latter is what Hell is hoping for.”

“I can’t kill him, Crowley.”

“And I don’t want you to. What fun would that be? One angry Winchester up here, one depressed one down there. I really prefer you are a pair.”

Dean looked at Crowley, drinking in his words. He was still so shocked at the fact that someone who should be one of his biggest enemies was riding shotgun in his car, as an ally. As much as he hated it, he did have a friend in Crowley. He was an ass, but then again all his friends were. What little friends he did have.

Dean replied, “Yeah. So do I. I just want my brother back, man.”

“I know. So do I. And I want my demons to stop being lured to the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania!”

Dean laughed, “You don’t even like them, why care?”

“I never said I cared about them. But I do care when it means extra work for me.”

“Why be the King if you don’t like the work? This is what I don’t get about you.”

“Power, love, power.”

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

“This is the area,” Crowley said as they passed the sign for a small town.

Dean read the sign and knew immediately where Sam was. Bobby had a cabin out here near the lake. He had cabins setup all over the place for hunters to have a place to stay when out on a case. Sam had to be there.

Dean noticed he was low on gas and pulled into a gas station garage combo. It was small and run down. Like most of the gas stations he saw on the road. Getting out he went to the back of the car and began pumping the gas.

He headed into the small building to pay and pick up something to snack on. He hadn’t realized just how little food he had been consuming on the trip here so far. He wondered if Crowley wanted anything.

“Hey,” an older man walking behind the counter called out to him as he stepped inside.

Dean nodded a hello in reply.

He grabbed some junk food and went to the counter to pay. Telling the man he also had fuel. The man turned and looked back and his eyes briefly were wide.

“Damn, that’s a nice car,” he said.

Dean smiled, “Yeah, that’s my Baby.”

“67’ Impala?”

“Oh yeah. She’s beautiful.”

“Yes, she is.”

Dean paid and thanked the man and headed back to the car. Him and Crowley drove off. Dean knew exactly where he was going. He no longer needed Crowley to tell him.

He had made up his mind on what he was going to do. Dean wasn’t going to let Sam destroy himself, destroy them, like this. He had to get through to him, whether Sam wanted to or not. In the end Sam might hate him, hell he might even hurt him, but that didn’t matter. Getting him better was all that he cared about. Having Sam back, even for a moment, was better than not having him at all.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

The long dirt road to the cabin was quiet. The sun shone in through the trees, if it wasn’t just a depressing trip it might have been beautiful. Dean held his breath as he drove getting closer to the cabin.

His heart dropped when he got close and saw that the cabin was empty. No Sam. He pulled up next to the small building and parked the car. Crowley followed him as he got out and walked around, looking for any signs of life.

Dean noticed the fresh tire marks and footprints. Someone had been here recently and often. His heart jumped in his chest. It had to be Sammy.

The cabin was a small wooden building, only large enough to house a couple rooms. Across from the cabin was an even smaller garage. Dean looked down to see what appeared to be a large amount of foot traffic to the garage. Following them he stepped inside.

In the back was a work table, dried blood splattered across it. His heart sank. _Dammit, Sammy._ Crowley followed behind him, staying quiet, unusual for him. Dean was thankful that Crowley wasn’t being his normal self, letting him deal with this his own way.

“This is where they are being lured. There’s a devil's trap over there,” Crowley spoke, pointing to the ceiling near Dean.

A devil’s trap was painted on the ceiling above a chair. The chair was bloody, and it was clear this was where Sam was bringing the demons. Dean felt sick looking at it and turned and left, pushing past Crowley.

“He’s not here, but he’s been here,” said Dean in a low voice.

“I gathered that,” replied Crowley rather sarcastically.

Dean shot him a glaring look and Crowley shut his mouth. He knew better than to piss off a Winchester. Especially one who was already so broken and on the edge. He followed behind Dean who was making his way to the cabin.

Dean tried the door, most of Bobby’s cabins had a key hidden, but he knew it wouldn’t be here. Locked. Taking out his lock pick set, he began to work the lock. Skillfully he twisted and turned the picks until he heard the familiar click of the lock being undone. Standing up straight he pushed the door open.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Dean had searched the cabin. Sam was clearly living here. His clothing and laptop were in the bedroom, the fridge filled with food that was obviously his. Dean didn’t know any other hunter who ate so healthily. Yeah, this was Sam alright.

Dean let out a harsh sign, “Sam’s been here. He’ll be back if he doesn't catch wind of us being here.”

“And if he does?”

Dean shrugged, “I don’t know Crowley. Try to find him again.”

“He’d have to come back. His stuff is here.”

“Yeah, I doubt he would leave his laptop behind. We wait for now. You can stay or go, I really don’t care. But it might be a while.”

Crowley spotted a recliner, it was beat up but looked comfortable. He plopped himself down in it, crossing his legs to get settled in. Looking up at Dean he raised an eyebrow and titled his head slightly smiling.

“I’m not going anywhere. Once you have your little family reunion, Moose is going to have to answer to me.”

Dean rolled his eyes, “No, Crowley. If things actually go well with this, Sam is going to need our help. If they go back, you can leave. I don’t need this.”

“Still so untrusting, Winchester. I don’t want to hurt Sam either. It may be surprising to you, shocking even, but I want to help him. And not just because this is causing problems in Hell for me. I hate those demons as much as you do, annoying bastards.”

Dean went to the fridge to grab a beer, asking Crowley if he wanted one. Crowley frowned at the sight of the cheap alcohol. Dean sat down at the small table and drank while he waited.

Several hours passed by when Dean heard the sound of tires on the dirt road. _Sammy._ Crowley perked up as he listened with Dean, keeping an eye on the hunter. Dean knew what he was going to do. He was going to be a big brother, he was going to protect Sam.

The few minutes it took for the car to pull it and the driver to get out felt like hours. Dean’s heart raced with each second, the sound of footsteps coming up onto the small porch pounded in his ears. Sam stood in front of the door for a moment before slowing opening it and stepping in.

Sam. Every bit of anger and depression flooded away in that moment as he laid eyes on his brother. He didn’t care about anything, just Sammy. He smiled, the first real smile he had in a long time now. The only feeling he had was happiness. Even though he knew what was about to come, just seeing Sam brought Dean comfort.


	7. Together

“Dean,” uttered Sam. His voice broke, he was frozen in place, unable to get his heart moving again. 

Dean smiled at him briefly before letting his face drop. A look of concern and worry came across his face. It was a face Sam had seen a thousand times growing up. It was the look Dean gave him whenever Sam had to learn an important lesson when they were kids. Dean practically raised him, he was more than his brother. When they got older and became adults this never stopped. And it showed on Dean’s face. 

“Hello, Moose,” a familiar voice said. 

Sam turns to see Crowley, sitting on a recliner in the living room. Sam pressed his brow together, confused by the demon sitting there. What was he doing here with Dean?

“What are you doing here, Dean? Why are you with Crowley?” Sam questioned. There was concern in his voice. 

“You need help, Sammy. We just want to help you,” replied Dean. 

Sam didn’t know what to say. He knew what he was doing to himself was wrong. He knew if he continued like this it would only end badly. Either at the hands of another hunter, himself, or Dean. He didn’t want to see Dean have to kill his own brother, he knew that much. Maybe letting Dean help him was for the best. 

“I’m only here because you are causing problems for me in Hell. But I’m going to wait to tear you a new one,” Crowley piped in, his voice pointed. 

“Dean, I… I’m sorry.”

“I know, Sammy.”

Dean lost his composure and walked towards Sam, embracing him in a deep hug. Sam took a moment before returning the hug. Together again. Sam knew that this would soon break, and the trauma he caused Dean would come flooding in. He wasn’t ready, he never would be. He wasn’t ready for what was to come. 

Dean stepped back, his eyes glazed over, it was clear he was holding back tears. He liked to come across as a man without emotion, but deep down it was just as sensitive as people made Sam out to be. 

“Sam, I should've let you talk, I should have listened. If I did, maybe none of this would have happened.”

“Dean, no. I didn’t want to listen to you. I didn’t care. And if I’m being honest, part of me doesn’t care at all, even still. But I know that I can’t keep on like this. I can’t.”

“I know. Why, Sammy? What were you thinking? Drinking demon blood again?”

Sam took a moment to think over his words before replying. “You were gone. I didn’t know how to get you back. It was a year, Dean. You were gone for a whole year and I tried, I really did try to find a way. But there was nothing.”

He paused. Dean never broke eye contact with him. Sam swallowed hard before continuing, “Even though it had been years since I… the need was always there. And I was broken, and I gave in. After the first time I thought that I didn’t need it anymore, that I could stop. Just once. But it’s addicting. The power that comes with it. I thought I could use that power to save you and Cas from Purgatory.”

“Sam, I’d rather spend a lifetime in Purgatory then see you get addicted to demon blood again. I know part of you always battled with this, and I was always there for you. But it's been a long time since I got back. And you kept it up, you never told me. Why didn’t you say something?”

“I don’t know. I was ashamed and scared of what you’d do. Dean, I hate it, and I hate that I’ve become the thing we kill. I guess, I guess part of me thought that you wouldn’t act twice and just kill me.”

“Sammy, no. I couldn’t bring myself to do that. There’s another way. Come home with us, Sammy. Please,” Dean begged. 

Sam gave a short nod. He would go home. He didn’t like what would happen when they got there, he wasn’t happy about that. But being together again with Dean was all that mattered. It was going to be a long road ahead of them, it might break him down and even kill him. Hell, it was going to break him down. But he had to face this. 

“Now that the brother’s have been reunited. It’s my turn,” Crowley announced. 

The brothers turned to him. Sam braced himself for the King of Hell’s wrath, while Dean rolled his eyes. Crowley was always so over dramatic. 

“Do you know what your little addiction has been causing for me? Hell is in a fit over this? Demon after demon is being killed because of you, lured out and murdered. It’s one thing with demons getting offed by hunters, I don’t care about that. I hate the slimy rats, but when it’s such a large number that gets back to me! I can’t run Hell properly if my demons are scared of coming up here!”

Sam stayed silent. Letting Crowley yell at him. The demon was now standing in front of him, his eyes bulging with anger. His face had turned red as he yelled. 

“Now, you will fix this. You will get it out of your system!”

As Crowley yelled his last words he was gone, leaving Sam and Dean alone in the cabin. The silence echoed around them. Sam didn’t know what to say. He knew that Crowley would be back, but it wouldn’t be for a while. 

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Sam left his car behind, choosing to make the journey home in the Impala. It was originally stolen anyways, so it didn’t really matter. Dean was in the driver’s seat, focused on the road. Sam tried not to stare at him. He hadn’t realized just how much he missed his brother. 

“Have you heard from Cas?” Sam asked. 

Dean shook his head. “No. I’ve been praying, man. But nothing.”

“He doesn’t answer my prayers either.”

Dean looked at him and raised an eyebrow. 

“Sammy, once we get this mess cleaned up, we need to clean the mess with Cas up as well. I don’t want to lose my best friend.”

“Did you think you lost me?”

“I did.” 

Sam didn’t reply. Dean was right, he did lose him. But Sam also lost himself. He didn’t want to lose Cas either, he would need the angel’s help. He wondered where Cas was. Would he return if he knew they were back together and trying to right these wrongs?

As they passed the sign for the town Sam knew he was never going to come back here. He couldn’t. It was scarred by what he had been doing. Even though he spent a long time hiding his secret, and had been many places to fuel it. This small town was where he went to hide from Dean. He couldn’t let the wounds be torn open again. ************************************************************************************************************************************************* 

Soon Sam had fallen asleep. He was thankful that he fueled his addiction the night before, otherwise he didn’t know if he could have kept it at bay right now. The realization that it was the last time he would drink demon blood hit him. 

For once he didn’t have nightmares, or dreams. Just peace. Sam only slept for a short time before being woken up by harsh lights shining into the car. 

“Where are we?” Sam asked groggily as he came to, looking around. 

“Just getting gas. We have a long trip ahead of us. We are a few days from Kansas.”

It was the middle of the night, and the Sheetz parking lot was mostly empty. Only a few cars lingered. Sam got out to stretch his legs and head in to get some snacks for the road. 

Back on the road, Dean turned the music on and sang along. Sam smiled watching his brother. He seemed happy, it wouldn’t last though. What was to come when they got back to the bunker would be anything but happy. He joined in singing causing Dean to take a double take at him. 

“Yeah! Sammy!” Exclaimed Dean excitedly.

The two brothers cruised down the highway singing along to the radio together. For a moment it was like nothing was wrong. As if there was no fight, no demon blood. All that mattered in this moment was that they were together again.


	8. Hope

Sam and Dean continued on the road to the bunker for the next few days. The brothers ignored the looming cloud that followed them on their way home. Ignoring the oncoming storm was all they could do to keep their sanity throughout this whole mess. 

If you didn’t know any better, it would just look like the Winchester boys heading home from another successful case. One where they got there in time and no one had to die, and the monster killed. You wouldn’t guess that they were headed back to the scene of the fight, where they said their goodbyes. And where they would have to battle once again to save Sam. 

Saving Sam was something that Dean had done many times before. Whether it was the time he came to the rescue when Sam was 14 and about to be beat up by some asshole jock who decided Sam was his next target. Or the last time Sam had been drinking demon. 

But no matter the case, Dean was a big brother. He had to be there for Sam, he wanted to be there. Family was all the boys knew. They only ever had each other, and even when something drove them apart they always came back to one another. There was an unseen magnetic force that drew them to one another. 

When Dean got too tired to drive, they pulled over, finding a hidden spot just off the road to sleep. Dean stretched out in the front seat, while Sam was in the back. The boys never got more than a few hours each night when they could, but it was a peaceful sleep. When the sun rose, the boys did as well and they got back on the road. 

They stopped when they could to stretch their cramped legs, grabbing snacks from run down gas stations. When they got too hungry they’d find a hole in the wall diner and enjoyed a hot meal. 

Neither one of them wanted to think about what was going to happen once they got home. Sam would have to detox. This meant time in the dungeon, getting the demon blood out of his system. It would be a hard time for both of them. For Sam it meant hallucinations, old trauma coming through, and pain that he wasn’t ready to face. For Dean it meant having to stand there, watching his brother go through this. It was too painful for either one of them. But they had to do it. 

But they had each other to get through it together. Without Dean, Sam would never be able to rid himself of the demon blood. He would never be strong enough to. 

They had recently crossed the state line into Kansas and were just outside of Troy. Three hours till Lebanon. Three hours until pretending like everything was normal was over. Three hours until Sam would be put to the test, and forced to detox. 

They both fell silent. Their minds raced, and the tension grew the closer they got. Forty minutes from the bunker they stopped at a diner. This would be the last meal they had together for a while. They tried not to think about what was to come, and reminisced about the road so far. How far they have come, as hunters, as brothers and as people. They laughed and told stories of their childhood, sharing the memories they shared together. 

Coming up to their home they prepared themselves. Sam wasn’t ready, he didn’t think he ever would be. But he had to do this, he knew he did. Dean was never ready to see his brother in pain. Pain that he couldn’t heal. They sat in silence, the Impala parked in front of the bunker. Neither one of them knew what move to make next. 

“Are you ready for this, Sammy?” Dean asked, his voice was low and soft. 

“No. But I have to. I need to.”

“You know what you have to do right?”

Sam swallowed. “Yeah. I have to be locked up. It has to get out of my system. But Dean, I may be willing now, but no telling what I’m going to do once we get in there.”

“I know. I hate to do this to you, Sammy. I really do.”

“I know.”

“Sammy, I know that you’re going to say stuff and do things, and it might seem like you hate me and everything. But I know it’s not the truth. And when this is over, know that. It's the demon blood, and I know that.”

“I know, Dean.”

Dean took a deep breath. “Let’s go. We can’t sit here, holding this off.”

They slowly made their way into the bunker, past the front room still littered with the remains of the fight, and into the bunker. Sam’s heart began to race, he wanted to turn back and run away again. He didn’t know if he had it in him to go through with this. He didn’t know if he was strong enough. Dean saw the hesitation on his face and placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“You can do this,” he said to his little brother. 

Sam nodded. 

“I’m not going to lock you up or anything. Just the door. I have to make sure you can’t get out.”

“Okay,” replied Sam.

“I’ll bring food for you, and I’ll check in, make sure you are okay. When this is over we can go back to normal. But you can never do this again. I don’t know if I can go through this a third time, you hear me?”

“Yeah. I don’t want to do this again.”

The brothers embraced one last time before Dean had to go. Sam stood in the middle of the room as Dean shut the doors behind him, locking them in place. He wanted to scream, scream at himself, at Dean, at the whole world. But he remained silent. Letting the truth of what was going to happen wash over him. Letting the truth of what he had done fill him. 

Dean felt like he would break again, he was torn down and having to lock Sam up was too much. In true Dean fashion he pushed it down, and instead drank. He couldn’t let himself be weak, not right now, not when Sam needed him the most. Sam had to do this on his own, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t still need him. He needed Dean to stay strong, just as Dean needed Sam to be strong. 

They each had their role to play, together they could do this. They could always count on each other to be strong, and weakness wasn’t going to do them any good right now. Dean couldn’t think about how in just a short while reality would set in for Sam. 

Dean sat at the table in the library, beer in hand, several empty bottles in front of him. It had been a few hours and he braced himself for what he might be hearing very soon coming from the dungeon. Closing his eyes he gave in, let his emotions wash over him and he prayed. 

“Cas, I got Sam back. He’s home, we are home. But it’s going to be hard, he has to detox again. I don’t know if I can do this alone. Please, please have your ears on. We need you.”

Dean dropped his head and gave up. The library was overtaken by the sound of wings and Castiel stood before him. He looked tired and full of worry. 

“Dean.”

Dean pushed the chair back and stood up. Without thinking he went to Cas and hugged him briefly. He was glad to see him again. With Sam and Cas back he felt like things might get better. 

“Cas, I’m so sorry.”

“Dean, don’t. I shouldn’t have left. I should have helped you both. Sam, where is he?” Cas looked around for signs of the taller Winchester. 

“In the dungeon. He’s locked in there, detoxing. We’ve been back for a few hours.”

“Yes, that would be for the best. There’s nothing I can do for now. He has to do this on his own. You need rest, you look like you haven’t slept in weeks.”

Dean let out a small laugh as he sat back down. “I haven’t, Cas. I’ve been barely sleeping and when I do it’s not good.”

“I can help with that.”

Cas walked over to Dean and touched two fingers to the hunter’s forehead. Dean immediately fell asleep. Cas then put a hand on his shoulder and transported them to Dean’s room. When they landed Dean was in the bed, fast asleep. He would sleep soundly and deeply tonight. The only dreams he would have would be peaceful and happy. 

Cas left the room and went to the front room of the bunker. He looked around at the debris. With a snap of his fingers the room was cleaned up. It looked as if the fight never happened. The echoes of the fight were still there, they lingered in empty walls, but for now at least the leftover sights of it were gone. 

Cas went into the kitchen and sat at the table, waiting for morning to come. Waiting for Dean to return and for them to start their end of the battle. In the dungeon it had already begun for Sam. Cas could hear his labored breaths, and him talking to something that no one else could see. 

It would be a long, hard battle. But the three of them finally together again could get through it. They all prayed they could. None of them wanted to think of what could happen if they didn’t. There was hope though, for once in a long time there was hope.


	9. The road ahead

Sam and Dean continued on the road to the bunker for the next few days. The brothers ignored the looming cloud that followed them on their way home. Ignoring the oncoming storm was all they could do to keep their sanity throughout this whole mess.

If you didn’t know any better, it would just look like the Winchester boys heading home from another successful case. One where they got there in time and no one had to die, and the monster killed. You wouldn’t guess that they were headed back to the scene of the fight, where they said their goodbyes. And where they would have to battle once again to save Sam.

Saving Sam was something that Dean had done many times before. Whether it was the time he came to the rescue when Sam was 14 and about to be beat up by some asshole jock who decided Sam was his next target. Or the last time Sam had been drinking demon.

But no matter the case, Dean was a big brother. He had to be there for Sam, he wanted to be there. Family was all the boys knew. They only ever had each other, and even when something drove them apart they always came back to one another. There was an unseen magnetic force that drew them to one another.

When Dean got too tired to drive, they pulled over, finding a hidden spot just off the road to sleep. Dean stretched out in the front seat, while Sam was in the back. The boys never got more than a few hours each night when they could, but it was a peaceful sleep. When the sun rose, the boys did as well and they got back on the road.

They stopped when they could to stretch their cramped legs, grabbing snacks from run down gas stations. When they got too hungry they’d find a hole in the wall diner and enjoyed a hot meal.

Neither one of them wanted to think about what was going to happen once they got home. Sam would have to detox. This meant time in the dungeon, getting the demon blood out of his system. It would be a hard time for both of them. For Sam it meant hallucinations, old trauma coming through, and pain that he wasn’t ready to face. For Dean it meant having to stand there, watching his brother go through this. It was too painful for either one of them. But they had to do it.

But they had each other to get through it together. Without Dean, Sam would never be able to rid himself of the demon blood. He would never be strong enough to.

They had recently crossed the state line into Kansas and were just outside of Troy. Three hours till Lebanon. Three hours until pretending like everything was normal was over. Three hours until Sam would be put to the test, and forced to detox.

They both fell silent. Their minds raced, and the tension grew the closer they got. Forty minutes from the bunker they stopped at a diner. This would be the last meal they had together for a while. They tried not to think about what was to come, and reminisced about the road so far. How far they have come, as hunters, as brothers and as people. They laughed and told stories of their childhood, sharing the memories they shared together.

Coming up to their home they prepared themselves. Sam wasn’t ready, he didn’t think he ever would be. But he had to do this, he knew he did. Dean was never ready to see his brother in pain. Pain that he couldn’t heal. They sat in silence, the Impala parked in front of the bunker. Neither one of them knew what move to make next.

“Are you ready for this, Sammy?” Dean asked, his voice was low and soft.

“No. But I have to. I need to.”

“You know what you have to do right?”

Sam swallowed. “Yeah. I have to be locked up. It has to get out of my system. But Dean, I may be willing now, but no telling what I’m going to do once we get in there.”

“I know. I hate to do this to you, Sammy. I really do.”

“I know.”

“Sammy, I know that you’re going to say stuff and do things, and it might seem like you hate me and everything. But I know it’s not the truth. And when this is over, know that. It's the demon blood, and I know that.”

“I know, Dean.”

Dean took a deep breath. “Let’s go. We can’t sit here, holding this off.”

They slowly made their way into the bunker, past the front room still littered with the remains of the fight, and into the bunker. Sam’s heart began to race, he wanted to turn back and run away again. He didn’t know if he had it in him to go through with this. He didn’t know if he was strong enough. Dean saw the hesitation on his face and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“You can do this,” he said to his little brother.

Sam nodded.

“I’m not going to lock you up or anything. Just the door. I have to make sure you can’t get out.”

“Okay,” replied Sam.

“I’ll bring food for you, and I’ll check in, make sure you are okay. When this is over we can go back to normal. But you can never do this again. I don’t know if I can go through this a third time, you hear me?”

“Yeah. I don’t want to do this again.”

The brothers embraced one last time before Dean had to go. Sam stood in the middle of the room as Dean shut the doors behind him, locking them in place. He wanted to scream, scream at himself, at Dean, at the whole world. But he remained silent. Letting the truth of what was going to happen wash over him. Letting the truth of what he had done fill him.


	10. Halfway

Dean knew that Sam might have gone past the point of no return by drinking so much demon blood. He hoped that Sam didn’t binge on it, and only drank it when it felt it was necessary. He also knew that detoxing like this cold turkey could be fatal.

He couldn’t lose Sam, not again. He didn’t want to be the last Winchester. He tried to pass the time, but ended up each night needing Cas to knock him out with a simple touch. He could see the look of concern on Cas’ face each time. It bothered him greatly.

He didn’t like seeing his best friend hurt for him, and he didn’t like the screams he heard coming from the dungeon. Whenever he checked in on Sam, bringing him food and water, he saw his brother disappear bit by bit. It was getting bad and it would only get worse.

Dean tried to push the haunting images of Sam detoxing out of his mind. Try as he may, they kept coming back. And each time he had to step into that room new ones were burned into his mind.

Cas and him spend most of the days in silence. When they would speak they both forced the conversation to be about anything but that last couple of months, and what was happening in the bunker. They both were heavy with worry.

Cas did what he could to ease Sam’s pain. But it didn’t put a dent in it the way the four of them hoped. Dean spent a lot of time alone, wandering the halls of the bunker. Each room was filled with memories of him and Sam. He prayed there would still be more to be made over the years.

He couldn’t fathom a world without Sam. It had only ever been the two of them. Dean was scared of losing him. He couldn’t imagine life without him. He had no one else. There was his friends and other family, Jody, Cas, their mom. But none of them compared to Sam, none of them had the same bond he and his brother had.

There were deeper emotions at play when it came to Sam. It wasn’t just the fact that they were brothers, or even best friends. Dean raised him, they grew up together. The only love he’s ever known has really been family. Even in the past, when he had tried to settle down, he would have left it all behind in a heartbeat if he had Sam again.

Sam drove him. Drove him to keep going. When he woke up Sam was the first person he saw and the last person he sees before going to bed. He could do anything as long as he had Sam besides him.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

A week had passed and the struggle from within the dungeon was reaching its peak. Dean knew that it would either get better from here, or he’d have to prepare for the worst. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to prepare for the latter.

Dean checked in on Sam around noon, bringing him some food and water. Sam was sitting against the wall, he looked like he hadn’t slept in a long time. His hair was damp with sweat and hung in his face.

“Hey, Dean,” Sam croaked. His voice was dry and harsh.

“Hey, Sammy. How you doing?”

Sam tried to laugh but a groan came out. “Been better. How much longer do I gotta be in here?”

“I don’t know. Cas had to leave earlier, heaven business. But when he gets back I’ll have him check in on you.”

Sam nodded as he stood up. He was weak, his legs shook as he carefully made his way over to Dean, who had sat the tray of food down on the table. He smiled as he sat down.

“Want me to stay with you?” Dean asked. He wondered if that was a good idea. But he didn’t care. He wanted to be close to his brother.

Sam gave a quick shake of his head. “Dean, I’m still… please I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“I understand, Sammy.” Dean paused and shoved his hands in his jacket pockets. “I’m gonna go, yell if you need anything.”

Dean left quickly. He hated not being about to do much for Sam. He wanted to stay, to sit besides him. But it would only make things harder when he had to lock the door behind him again.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Dean was sitting at the desk in his bedroom, looking up the news for anything that could be a case, when Cas walked in. Dean shut the laptop, doubtful he’d actually be able to go on a hunt given the current situation.

“Hey, Cas.”

“Dean.”

“Where you been?”

“I had some business to attend to, another angel needed some help. How’s Sam?”

Dean frowned. He didn’t know how Sam was, he didn’t know where the road would lead. “I don’t know. I checked in on him earlier, and brought him some food. He seemed like he was forcing himself to be okay for me. I told him I’d send you in to check on him.”

Cas nodded and disappeared before returning moments later. He looked worried but thankful. Dean took it as a good sign. Dean leaned back in his chair, raising an eyebrow at Cas, silently asking him about Sam.

“The demon blood is almost out of his system. I’d give it another week.”

Dean sighed a breath of relief. Good. Sammy was getting better. He could relax for the time being. Cas noticed the change on Dean’s face, he loosened up knowing that his hunter friend would be okay.

“Dean, have you told Mary about this?”

“No. Hell, I haven’t even talked to her since…” he trailed off. The stress came flooding back.

“She’s probably worried.”

“Yeah, she’s called a few times. Left a message two weeks ago saying she knows we all need distance. Besides she’s off doing her own thing. She’s only been back for a few months.”

“When this is over, Dean you should call her.”

Dean nodded “I will, Cas. Just right now I need to deal with this mess. Sam doesn’t need that. Nor do I. We can handle this together.”

Cas nodded in agreement before excusing himself from Dean’s room. Dean sat there, lost in thought.

_Maybe I shouldn’t tell Mom about this, at all. I don’t know if she could handle learning the truth like that._

_Sam definitely wouldn’t want to burden anyone else about his addiction._

Getting up Dean headed to the showers. Once he got in he let the water rain down on his face and chest. Washing away the walls he built to hide himself from everyone he came across. He let himself go and sobbed. The water hiding his tears, it was easier this way. No one would see him, no one would know.

He didn’t know if he was doing the right thing, by not telling their Mom. He didn’t know if Sammy would make it through, even though Cas has said he would. He didn’t know if he had the strength to finish this.

He stayed in the shower for a long time. Unmoving, head hung, the water pounding down onto him. He got out once he felt he was ready to go back to reality. He put on fresh clothes and headed down to the kitchen to make himself some food.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Dean put the dishes in the sink, leaving them to be dealt with at a later time. He went back and checked on Sam, finding him asleep on the cot in the corner of the room. He watched his brother sleeping. It was nice to see him not in pain, hallucinating and on the edge of death.

It was getting late, he should probably get to sleep. He wondered if he could without Cas’ help for once. Laying down on his bed he tried to turn off his mind. Try as he might, he wasn’t able to. He thought about praying quickly to the angel, but figured he might as well go find him. Maybe stretching his legs would help him to relax.

He found Cas in the greenhouse. The Men of Letters bunker housed many rooms. Including a greenhouse, used to grow herbs and plants used for spells. It was Cas’ special place.

Cas was tending to the plants, watering them, talking to them, making sure they were healthy. Dean was taken back by seeing Cas without his overcoat, it was always wearing it. It was flung over a chair, along with his suit jacket.

Dean felt like he was intruding on a private moment that the angel would have preferred to have alone. He rarely went into the greenhouse, he had no clue how to maintain the plants, and he knew that it was where Cas normally hung out at night when the bunker was asleep.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas said.

“Hey, Cas. I was wondering if you’d help me sleep. Again.” Dean laughed nervously.

“Of course. Dean, you should try sleeping pills or something. I could make you tea if you like.”

Cas looked up at his friend, giving him a caring look. He was worried about him. He wondered what Dean would do about sleep if he wasn’t there.

“Yeah, yeah would you?”

Cas smiled, “I’ll be right back.” He vanished, leaving Dean alone in the large room filled with greenery. Minutes later he was back, holding a small white mug. He handed it to Dean. “This will help you to calm down. Go try to rest, I’ll be in shortly. I just need to finish up here.”

Dean nodded and left the greenhouse. Sipping on the tea as he walked back to his room. It was hot but not too hot, Cas made sure it was the perfect temperature. The warmth was calming, Cas was right. He finished the tea by the time he shut his bedroom door. Setting the cup down on the nightstand, Dean felt more relaxed and began to get into bed.

The sound of wings behind him flooded in. Dean turned around and nodded to Cas. Without a word Cas waited for Dean to settle into bed before touching two fingers against his forehead. Dean fell asleep immediately.

Cas watched his friend for a moment, before touching his head again, giving him warm, pleasant dreams. He knew this would all be over soon. Sam would be Sam again. And life would go on. He knew it wouldn’t be the same though, things had changed. But Cas was certain that in the end, they would figure things out. The Winchesters always did.


	11. Detox

Sam didn’t know how long he had been locked in that room. With no sunlight to let him know when it was day or night, everything blended together. In the beginning he thought he’d have a few days before hell set in. But within hours of that door slamming shut he was in agony.

Visions of those he feared, loved and lost came to him. Tormenting him for the things he had done. For what he could do. For what he became and could very well become. They taunted him, and no matter how much he screamed or how much he ignored them they wouldn’t leave.

When they finally did the screaming began more so. He couldn’t hold it back. He screamed until his throat felt like glass and his voice faded. Leaving him screaming silently. His body shook, he was freezing yet burning up at the same time. He had no control.

Sweat poured from him, he was damp. The wetness never cooled the fever, only sent chills down his spine from the coldness. He had no control over his stomach, he felt bad when Dean came in to clean the bucket filled with his vomit, and other waste. He knew Dean didn’t care about that, only about him. He felt stupid for being embarrassed.

Whenever Dean came in he wanted his big brother to stay with him. But he feared at any moment another attack could come on. He didn’t need Dean to see him like that. He wanted to be strong for Dean. The thought of Dean was the only thing keeping him alive at this point.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Cas appeared in the room and looked down at Sam, who was laying on the cot, somewhere between sleep and awake. The blurry image of the angel stepped towards him. Dean had told him earlier in the day that Cas would come to see how he was doing.

Sam stayed silent as he gave Cas a nod, giving him permission to check on him. Cas’ hand hovered over his head, before he slowly moved it down to his chest. He watched the angel’s face, he looked deep in thought.

“The demon blood is almost gone. The hallucinations and fits should end soon.”

Sam didn’t speak, he wasn’t able to. He felt relieved by the news.

Cas continued, “If you need me, just pray. You don’t even have to say it out loud. I’ll hear you.”

Cas flew out of the room, leaving a breeze behind him. Sam enjoyed the brief moment of the cool wind from Cas’ wings. It was almost over, he could do this. He could make it through.

_Cas, thank you._

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

More time passed, and Sam was able to move around better. He could breathe easier. The attacks had lessened and he could get through them much easier than before. He paced in the dungeon, counting the minutes until Dean would come through that door.

Whenever Dean came in the past few times he seemed to be at ease more. Sam knew it was killing his brother, seeing him like this. But with Sam on the mend, he could tell Dean knew that the break in the detox was finally settling in.

He stopped when he heard the lock undo and the doors open. Dean gave him a concerned look, wondering if he was okay. Sam smiled at him and he saw Dean’s shoulders drop, relaxing. He went down to sit on the cot, Dean sat half on the table, studying him for a moment.

“Hey, Sammy. You doing okay? You look better.”

“Yeah, I’m feeling better. How long have I been in here?”

“Little over three weeks.”

Sam was taken back by this. Three week? How could three weeks have gone by? It felt much longer than that. It felt as if he had been locked away for months.

“Cas ran into town to grab us all some dinner. When he gets back he’ll give you a look over. He said it won’t be too much longer now until you can come out.”

“Did he give a time frame?”

Dean shook his head, “No. But he did say just a few more days at the most. Just gotta make sure you are okay, Sammy.”

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Sam’s voice broke.

“I know. I’m sorry, too.”

“I’m so stupid, Dean.”

“Shut up, you’re stupid, yeah. But… you did it for a reason. You need anything?”

“No.”

“Okay, I’m gonna head out. I got some things I need to do. When Cas gets back I’ll bring you dinner okay.”

“Kay’”

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

Sam smiled as Dean left. Those two little words meant so much to him. To anyone else it sounded like playful insulting, normal stuff between brothers. But to Sam and Dean it was more than that. It meant that everything was going to be okay. Sometimes it was fighting, sometimes it was joking around, but sometimes, times like this, it meant ‘I’m okay.’

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

An hour later Dean came back, carrying a bag and a large plastic cup. The smell of the food filled the room. Sam hadn’t realized just how hungry he was. Even though he had been eating these past few weeks, he couldn’t keep anything down. He had lost weight, and he prayed Dean told Cas to get something more filling than a salad.

“I had Cas pick us up burgers, hope you don’t mind,” stated Dean, sitting the food down on the table.

“No! God, I’m starved.”

Dean laughed as Sam sat down, opening the bag and taking out a burger. Sam ignored his brother as he scarfed it down, it was the first meal he knew wouldn’t return to him.

Dean left without saying another word, Sam understood. Dean couldn’t linger, it would only make things worse when he did eventually have to leave. Sam was thankful for this.

Cas came in a little while later, checking in on him. The angel did his work quickly and left without saying a word. Sam got nervous, normally Cas gave him an update. Was something wrong? Was this only the eye of the storm?

Dean came around not long after Cas. The color had come back to his face, he looked less stressed. Sam was confused by this. Moments before Cas caused such a panic and now Dean looks like nothing is wrong.

“Sammy, good news. Cas said that he can find no trace of the demon blood. And you seem better.”

“I can come out?” Sam asked, overjoyed.

“Tomorrow, Sam. It’s about midnight now, get one more night of rest. Cas and I will come get you in the morning okay?”

Sam was disappointed, he wanted to sleep in his own bed again. It had been too long. But he understood and agreed to one more night. Then after that he would never spend the night in the cold dungeon again. He vowed this to himself.


	12. Back to normal... kinda

Morning came slower than either one of the Winchesters wanted. They knew when they awoke, they’d be reunited together again, the way that it should be. Sam hoped that he could leave this dungeon behind, the torture, the demon blood, and it would never be spoken of again. Dean made his mind up, he was going to do as Sam wished, even if he hadn’t told him. He already knew.

Dean woke up earlier than he would have liked. Looking at his watch he saw that it was only six in the morning. Anxious to let Sam out he got out of bed and threw on the dead guy’s robe and made his way to the kitchen.

The older hunter started the coffee machine when Cas walked in. Cas looked happy to see Dean in a good mood.

“Morning,” Cas said.

“Hey, want some coffee?”

“No. Is Sam awake yet?”

“Not yet I don’t think. I haven’t checked on him. Actually, Cas, I was thinking of making breakfast for us. I know you don’t enjoy eating, but I thought maybe…”

Cas smiled, “What are we having?” Food wasn’t something the angel indulged in often, if rarely. But this was an occasion for him to eat. Enjoying a meal with family was special. Years of being with the Winchesters, being a part of a family, had taught him that.

Dean glowed and got to work behind the large metal island. “Well, Sam likes that healthy shit, I don’t. You, you don’t really care. So I’m thinking waffles and eggs? And bacon. Lots of bacon. Oh! Cas, can you fly to the store and grab Sam some vegan bacon?”

Cas nodded and was gone. Dean got to work, frying up some eggs. Years of raising Sam, having to cook all their meals when the money for pizza and burgers ran out, came in handy when it came to being in the kitchen. He wasn’t the best at it, but what he made was damn good. He just wished he could make Winchester Surprise like their Mom could. He laughed at the memory of him trying to make it for Sam when they were kids.

Dean went to the freezer and took out a box of frozen waffles, Sam wouldn’t care, and began to heat them up. Cas appeared again, holding a package of vegan bacon. Normally Dean wouldn’t even think of making this, but for Sam he’d make him anything right now. He fried up both bacons and plated everything up.

Cas and him then carefully brought everything to the library to the big table. He brought out the coffee and some beers as well. It was probably way too early to be drinking, but they were hunters after all. When everything was perfect, Dean headed to the dungeon to get Sam.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Sam heard the door open and sat up on the cot. He was just waking up. The night had been long and his sleep was restless. He was ready to leave this place. Dean walked in smiling.

“Sammy, you ready?”

“Yeah. Is it time?”

Dean nodded, “Yeah, let’s go. Breakfast is ready.”

Dean left, allowing Sam to compose himself. Sam wondered if he should shower first, but he didn’t want his food to get cold, nor leave Dean waiting around.

He made his way throughout the halls of the bunker and into the library. Dean and Cas were already seated at the table. In front of them they were already preparing their plates full of eggs, waffles, syrup, and bacon. He noticed that even Cas was fixing a plate.

“Good morning, Sam,” said the angel.

“Morning.”

Sam sat down and got himself a plate. He was shocked when Dean told him that the bacon in front of him was vegan. He tested a small piece and was surprised when he saw that Dean was telling the truth. It felt good to be having a meal together.

The torment was finally over. Sam could breathe freely again. The three of them talked and laughed, and enjoyed each other’s company. It felt as if nothing had ever happened. There was still healing to be done, of course, but for now, in this moment, it didn’t exist. They couldn’t let it bother them, they had to forget about it. Right now all that mattered was that they were all together again.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Sam could tell that Dean was restless. The way he shifted in his seat across from him, staring at his laptop. He wondered what he had been doing this whole time.

“You go on any hunts while I was detoxing?”

Dean looked up. “No, I barely left the bunker.”

“Why not? I mean, you could have gone on a case or two.”

“Yeah but with you, I couldn’t just leave you.”

Sam smiled, “Dean, Cas was here, wasn’t he? It’s not healthy, you know, to always thinking you have to protect me.”

“I do, Sammy,” Dean was defensive. “I have to, okay.”

Before they could get into the conversation Cas walked into the room and sat down next to Sam. He could tell there was tension, but didn’t even want to think about the boys fighting again already. He gave them a stern look before asking if he was going to have to get in the middle of the two of them.

Dean laughed, “No, just stupid brother shit.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it Cas,” Sam said in reply.

Cas nodded, confused but understanding. “I don’t have siblings but I guess I understand.”

Dean looked at him with a confused look on his face. “Cas, don’t you have like, thousands of siblings? The other dick angels?”

“Well, yes. But our relationship isn’t the same as what humans share with their siblings. Plus even though we do call ourselves brothers and sisters, it’s not exactly what you’d call a family.”

“Well, you do have a family. It’s us. You’re a Winchester, Cas.”

“Castiel Winchester,” said Dean, taking a drink of his beer.

Cas smiled, he liked that. The three of them sat at the table for the rest of the night talking. Dean was happy to have his brother back, Sam was happy to be back. And Cas was happy to be a part of a family.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Sam crashed onto the bed. He was out before his head even hit the pillow. It had been months since he slept in his own bed. He had felt much better after taking a much needed shower earlier in the day, but this, this was heaven.

Down the hall, Dean was already fast asleep. His mouth hung open, snoring rhythmically. For once he didn’t need Cas’ help to sleep. Nor did he need the angel to block out any nightmares. Having Sam back, and freed from the demon blood did wonders on his sleep. He could finally relax.

Cas wandered the bunker, trying to find something to do. He cleaned up the kitchen, which had been a mess due to Dean cooking both breakfast and dinner in it, with a snap of his fingers. He attended to his plants in the greenhouse. Finally in the early hours of the morning he settled down in the back of the library, sitting down to read one of the many lore books.

Around eight in the morning Dean made his way sleepily to the kitchen for morning coffee. Cas was in there already, sitting in his orange boxers and undershirt. Dean chuckled as he poured himself a cup and sat down across from him.

Not long after Sam came in. He narrowed his eyes, which were still covered in sleep, at Cas.

“I’m never going to get used to that, Cas,” he said, he sounded like he was still tired.

“What?” The angel asked in reply.

Dean smiled, “Dude, you wear the same thing every single day. It’s weird seeing you without the suit and trench coat.”

“I do have to wash them you know. It’s actually an overcoat, I keep telling you that, Dean.”

“Cas, why don’t you get more clothes? We can give you the money, you know,” stated Sam as he sat down next to him.

“I’m fine, thank you.” He tried to change the subject to avoid being forced into a shopping trip none of them wanted to go on. “Last night I think I found a case for us, if you are up for it?”

Dean raised an eyebrow at Sam.

“Maybe we should pass this one off to Jody,” replied Sam, taking a sip of his coffee.

“You still need a few days?” Dean asked his brother.

“Yeah, just another day. Let me get some rest, you need some too. Then we can get back to hunting. If you two want to take this one yourselfs be my guest. I’ll be fine, I promise.”

Dean and Cas exchanged looks. “Yeah, I’ve been cooped up for too long. You sure?”

“Yes, Dean. Go. Hunt. It’s what you do.”

“You coming, Cas?”

“Yes, Dean.”

“Meet you at the car in ten.”

Dean got up and quickly raced to his room to get a bag together. Sam was glad to see his brother excited. He wondered how long it actually had been since he’d been on a hunt. Dean not hunting was a weird image for Sam to try and picture.

Several hours later, when he had the bunker to himself, he made himself busy by cataloging stuff from the archives. He had been working on the project for a long time, before the fight that is, and he still had a lot more to go. It was nice to have some time to himself, without the looming storm of the demon blood, the fight, or detoxing.

Cas had said they’d most likely be gone for only a day or two at the most. The case was within the state, so they most likely would be home the next night. Dean was thankful it wasn’t too far, he’d be able to get home if Sam needed him to. Even though he was still nervous to be away from Sam, Dean was happy to be able to get out and do what he did the best. Hunting things, saving people. He just wished it was with Sam as well. But he knew that it wouldn’t be long until the Winchester’s were back on the road.


	13. A normal life

Dean and Cas were making their way back home from the case they had just finished not a few hours before. It was an easy hunt, just a couple of werewolves. Nothing they couldn’t handle with ease. Cas was riding shotgun, sitting in silence with Dean. Cas was startled when Dean finally spoke after a few hours of silent driving.

“Cas,” Dean cleared his throat, searching for the right words. “You think it’s over?”

Cas tilted his head slightly. “What?”

“Sam, the demon blood thing. Do you think it’s actually over?”

“Yes, Dean. It had been expelled from his body. I made sure of that.” His voice was rough and monotoned.

“Man, I worry, you know. I never thought he’d do this shit again.”

Cas didn’t know what to say, so he let Dean continue.

“Our whole lives I had to watch out for him. I made a promise that I would. The first time he did this I didn’t know if I could still keep him safe. But, god, the second time around. I lost it. I didn’t and still don’t truly know how to handle that.”

“You didn’t handle it. Not until you found him again. You did the right thing, Dean. Sam is cured, he’s back. That’s all that matters now.”

Dean fell silent, and stayed that way for the next few hours until they reached the bunker. Cas was glad to be out of the car, he was cramped, plus car rides took forever. It’s so much easier to just use his wings and fly to this destination. But he knew that Dean preferred to drive everywhere, he wasn’t a fan of hitching a ride with Cas.

It was late when they got in, and Sam was already in his room. Dean could hear his gentle snores as he passed by his door, smiling at the sound of his brother sleeping soundly. Making his way to his own room, he dropped his duffle bag on the floor in front of the bed.

Settling down onto the bed, Dean stretched his neck, relieving some of the tension in his shoulders. It felt nice, his body had been sore for months now, more so than normal. An aching body wasn’t unusual of a hunter. But when your little brother gets addicted to demon blood, it makes it worse.

Dean finally found a comfortable position and began to doze off. He dreamt of Sam, not demon blood addict Sam, not standing in front of him with eyes of fury Sam. But Sammy, his best friend and brother.

In his dream, Dean was driving down a long stretch of highway in the middle of nowhere. Sam was riding shotgun next to him. The music was loud, Bob Seger, and they sang along. It was nice. Happy. Half dream, half memory, since this had happened many, many times over the years.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Sammy,” dream Dean said to dream Sammy.

Sammy smiled back at him and began to speak but was suddenly gone. Dean had woken up before Sam could say what he was going to say. He grumbled at his brain fucking with him like that. He hated when dreams ended at important times.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Another day passed, and cabin fever was getting to him. Dean could barely stand it when Sam was detoxing. He stayed because his brother needed him. Now that was over, he could leave at any time. But the need to keep an eye on Sam hadn’t left him.

Dean knocked on Sam’s bedroom door, hearing the faint groan of approval he went in. Sam was sitting on his bed, back leaned against the headboard, nose deep in a large book.

“Hey,” greeted Dean as he made his way to the chair near the door.

Sam raised a finger, telling him to wait a moment, and finished reading the page before setting the book down.

“Hey,” he finally replied.

Dean took a moment, “Wanna go somewhere?”

“Dean, I don’t think I’m ready to jump back into hunting, you know this.”

“No, not hunting. Just, somewhere. Anywhere. I need fresh air, we both do.”

Sam laughed,”Dude, I told you, you could've left at any time.”

“Sammy, I really couldn’t have. I had to stay, make sure you didn’t… you know.”

“Die?”

“Yeah.”

“Dean, you don’t have to wait around, protecting me. We aren’t kids anymore.”

“I know. But I still have to, okay. Just accept it.”

“I do. And I’m thankful I have you watching my back. But, Dean, you have to realize that you’re not always going to be there. You can’t be. You have to live.”

Dean fell silent, he didn’t like Sam not needing him. It wasn’t just protecting Sam, Dean needed him. By protecting Sam, Dean would protect himself. Without his little brother he was nothing.

“Sammy, you don’t need me. You’re stronger than I ever have been. You’re smarter, stronger, better. I need you.”

Sam heard the slight break in Dean’s voice. He so badly wanted to break the tension and tell him ‘No chick flick moments’ but this was one of those times when a chick flick moment was needed. They needed to tell this to each other. Dean needed to open up, and Sam needed to stand his ground.

“Can I ask you a question?” Sam asked, raising his brow. He shifted on his bed.

“What?”

“Whenever I wasn’t around, college and…” he trailed off, not wanting to remember the cage. “You had the chance to have a normal life, settle down. You kinda did with Lisa, but as soon as I was back in the picture, you left it behind. Why?”

Dean paused, drinking in Sam’s question. He knew why, but to say it would make it real. All he wanted was to be with Sam. He didn’t care if that meant two brothers against the world, two best friends, or… it didn’t matter. What mattered was that they were together.

Sam continued, “Cause it seems like you’d rather live a life alone. Not ever having a life of your own, no family, nothing.”

“I’m not alone, I have a family.”

“Outside of me, Dean.

“I’m not alone.”

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Dean left without Sam, taking Baby on a much needed drive. He needed to clear his head, figure out what Sam was talking about.

He wasn’t alone, he had Sammy. He always had Sammy. What else did he need?

Whenever Sam was gone, Dean was barely holding on. Even if he tried to move on and live his life, he couldn’t. Something was always missing. Sam wasn’t there, and he wasn’t whole. How could he be? Sammy was what held him together.

“God, I sound like a chick thinking about a guy right now,” Dean said to himself out loud.

Then it hit him. Hit him like crashing Baby into a solid brick wall.

_No! Come on, man! No!_

_You can’t have… no, no way. Sam’s your brother, plus he’s a dude._

_Fuck!_

Dean slammed on the breaks, bringing Baby to a halting stop. Thankfully he was in the middle of nowhere, no other cars in sight for miles. Hands gripping the steering wheel tight, knuckling turning white, he was breathing heavy.

There was no way he had those kinds of feelings for Sam, no way. He couldn’t. They were family, blood. Brothers.

Then there was the fact that Sam was a guy. Dean knew that he wasn’t straight, but it wasn’t something he was ready to admit to himself and sure as hell not to anyone else. He had had feelings for other men in the past, but it never went anywhere. He had feelings for Benny, but that ended badly. Just like every other relationship he had ever had. Hell, Benny wasn’t even a relationship.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

Shaking, Dean got out of the car, slamming the door behind him. Baby shook from the force. The gravel beneath his feet gave way as he paced along the side of the highway.

_There’s no fucking way!_

_I want Sammy to have a normal life, he wants a normal life. Away from hunting. But I keep bringing him back to me. I can’t lose him._

_God, this is fucked up. So messed up!_

_He’s your brother, you're just confused. There’s no possible way that you could have those feelings for your brother._

_No._

_No fucking way._

Dean paced more, his confusion and anger swelling. Finally the storm of anger calmed and sadness took over. He knew his truth, he knew how he felt. He didn’t want to admit it, nor did he want to feel this way. He couldn’t help it though.

He got back into the Impala and lost control. Crying softly he realized he could never tell Sam, or anyone. It was wrong, he knew this. Just another thing he’d have to bottle up and hide away.

Dean was good at that. Hiding his emotions away. He had done it for years. But now he had to hide away his own heart. He had to let Sammy go. Realizing how he felt about him, it would be impossible to keep it hidden if Sam was always there.

Dean wiped the tears away, rubbing his face and taking a deep breath. He was ready to go back. He would tell Sam that if he wanted to go he could. And that he would stop being so protective. It would be hard, hell it would break Dean if Sam decided to leave. But he had to.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Dean found Sam in the kitchen, he was focused on a pot on the stove. Dean’s stomach growled, he hadn’t realized he hadn’t eaten yet, and it smelled amazing. But that didn’t matter, not right now. Food could wait.

“Hey, Sammy,” Dean said gently.

“Hey, when you get back?” Sam answered in reply, not looking up from the stove.

“Just now. Hey… I’m sorry, okay.”

“Don’t worry about it, Dean. You have no reason to apologize. I’m sorry I asked you something that made you uncomfortable. I’m making something to eat, hungry?”

_God yes._

“No, Sammy. Stop. Look, you're right. I’m overprotective, I always keep you around cause I’m afraid of being alone and losing you. But you keep trying to get out of the life. And I need to grow up and let you do that.”

Sam stopped stirring and turned around. He looked at Dean confused. He didn’t realize that what he had said earlier had hit that big of a cord.

“You think I want out? Again?” Sam asked.

“You always did want a life different from this. You never wanted to be a hunter, man. Dad forced you into it, I forced you back into it.”

“Dean, you never forced me into anything. Right now, I’m here because I want to be.”

“Come on, man. Sam, you tried so hard to get out. You have a chance at a normal life. Go out, go back to school, be a lawyer or whatever. Have a family of your own.”

“I don’t want that life anymore, Dean. I’m here because I want to be.”

Dean’s shoulder fell down in defeat. Why wouldn’t Sam want that life anymore? To be normal?

“You like me being an overprotective big brother all the time? You like traveling all over the place week after week, not knowing if you’re going to come back alive? Really? Really Sam?”

Sam wanted to laugh but he didn’t. “Yes, Dean I do. I like all of it. You, you’re the one who I want to see have a normal life.”

“Yeah, no. I’m too far beyond fucked up for that. I tried it, didn’t exactly work out.”

“Yeah, cause I came back.”

Dean was silent.

Sam continued, “Dean, I want to be here. I want to be a hunter. I am a hunter. I don’t care about you being overprotective, I just want you to also have a life outside of the bunker and hunting. That’s it. If you want I can get one as well.”

Dean shifted, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Sammy, I don’t get it. Why do you stay?”

“Do I really have to explain myself, Dean?”

“Yes! Explain to me why you’d throw everything away for this life! Time and time again! Why!” Anger took over Dean. This was no longer about his caged feelings or wanting Sam to have a normal life. This was about Sam not wanting that after years of longing for normalcy. “How is it that you spent years bitchin’ about wanting out. Making excuse after excuse when you didn’t leave. And when you did finally leave, you came right back! And now I’m giving you an out, cause I want more for you, and you refuse!”

“Because I love you, Dean!” Sam yelled, cutting his brother off.

Dean stopped. Frozen. There was no way Sam meant that in any way other than a family type of love. Dean kept telling himself that. There was no way.

Sam realized what he said out loud. Panic set it. Fear grew on his eyes as he watched Dean standing there, frozen in place. Eyes wide and mouth open. He felt stupid.

“Sammy,” Dean finally spoke. His voice was soft, almost a whisper.

Sam quickly turned back around, shutting off the stove. He ignored Dean. He was breathing heavily, panicking. His hands shook, he needed to get out of there.

“I’m gonna.. just…” Sam said, nervously.

Sam pushed past Dean, and went down the hall. Dean heard his bedroom door open and close. Still unmoving, Dean didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know how to make his body work again.

_He does mean it like that. Sammy loves me._


	14. Interrupting Angel

Sam slammed his bedroom door shut. He paced back and forth in front of his bed, fighting himself in his head. Panic set in, he couldn’t believe he let that slip.

_What the hell, Sam!_

_How could you tell Dean you loved him!_

_God, I hope he thinks you meant in a brotherly sort of love._

_After that scene you pulled, doubtful._

Sam’s heart was pounding out of his chest. Dean would get what he wanted, Sam would leave. He couldn’t stay after that awkward display. No way in Hell, would Dean want Sam to stay.

Sam reached under his bed, pulling out his duffle bag. He didn’t care what clothes he grabbed and threw them in without folding them. Grabbing what he could find he gathered his things up.

_Fuck! Why did I say that?! I’m so damn stupid._

Knock!

Sam froze.

Knock!

Unable to move Sam waited silently. The door opened and Dean walked in. He had a stern look on his face. Like he was ready to yell again.

“Dean, I’m leaving. I’m sorry. I’ll go,” Sam said quickly.

“No.”

“What?” Sam asked confused.

“Don’t go.”

“Dean, I,”

“I know, Sammy. I know.”

“Do you? Do you know what I said?”

Dean took a deep breath. “Yeah, I do. Sammy, I…” He stammered on his words, not knowing if he should tell Sam how he felt, that the feeling was mutual.

Sam watched as Dean stood there. Face still stern, on the edge of anger and frustration. Sam didn’t know if Dean was angry at him or confused. Maybe he didn’t know that Sam meant it in a love-love sense. I love you in the family sense was rarely said, it might have just caught him off guard. Sam’s reaction didn’t help at all though. But he hoped Dean didn’t realize. He prayed he didn’t.

“Sammy, I love you, too.” Dean finally choked out. His words lingered in the air.

“Dean…” Sam raised an eyebrow. “Dean, you know I didn’t mean it in the way you’d normally tell your brother.”

“I know.”

They stood there staring at each other. The words swirled around them, buzzing in their ears. Neither one of them could believe that they said those words. Out loud. To each other.

“Fuck it,” Dean stated harshly.

Dean walked towards Sam quickly and angrily. Sam took a step back, thinking that Dean was coming in for a fight. Dean grabbed Sam by the wrist pulling him towards him. Sam didn’t know what was going on, he might have been bigger than Dean but his older brother felt bigger in this moment.

Dean pulled Sam in and down, grabbing the back of his head and pulled him in close to him. He kissed Sam firmly. It was a kiss of anger, passionate, but anger. Not at Sam or himself, but at everything. This whole damn mess.

Sam kissed him back. His lips parted and he felt Dean’s tongue slide into his mouth. His stiff body relaxed, melting into Dean’s arms. The kiss was slow at first but soon it was faster, harder.

Sam wrapped his arms around Dean, pulling him in closer, deepening the kiss. Dean let go of Sam’s head and reached down, yanking at the buttons on Sam’s shirt. Pulling it off he ran his hands over his stomach and around to his back, feeling each muscle, hair, and scar.

Sam pulled back from the kiss just enough to pull Dean’s dark grey Henley off of him before crashing back onto his mouth. The kiss was rough, they battled for control. Sam felt his cock swell in his jeans. Dean felt it and pressed into him hard.

“Dean,” Sam said in a low voice, pulling back.

“Sammy.”

“We really shouldn’t be doing this.”

“I don’t care anymore.”

Sam grabbed Dean and spun around and pushed him down onto his bed. Dean was taken back by Sam’s sudden control over the situation, but he wasn’t complaining.

Sam yanked his shirt off, then the bag, tossing both onto the floor. Dean sat up enough to get his shirt off as well, never taking his eyes off of his brother.

Sam had seen Dean shirtless a thousand times before, but never like this, never for him. Dean began to undo his belt, prompting Sam to do the same.

Just as Sam was about to take his jeans off, a loud knock interrupted them. Dean rolled his eyes and fell back onto the bed. Sam quickly did his pants back up and yelled at to give him a minute.

Opening the door just enough to slide out and not let Castiel see anything inside. Sam, still shirtless, stepped out into the hall.

“Hey Cas,” he said in a rushed tone.

Cas furrowed his brow. “Sam, where is your shirt?”

“Oh, I… I’m just relaxing for a bit. What you need?” Sam stuttered.

“Okay. I’m looking for Dean. Have you seen him?”

“No, uh, no.”

“You seem tense, Sam,” Cas stated, concerned for his friend.

“I’m fine, Cas. Really. I haven’t seen Dean. I’ll have him call when I do. He’s probably out.”

Cas nodded slowly before telling Sam ‘thank you’ and walking away back towards the main area of the bunker. He could have swore he heard someone else breathing behind the door. Sam probably had a visitor over and Cas had interrupted.

Sam closed the door behind him and let out a sign of relief. Reaching down for his shirt, he put it back on. Anything that was going to happen would have to wait.

“Dammit, of course Cas had to show up just as things were getting good,” Dean laughed in frustration.

“Yeah, well, he’s looking for you.”

“I heard, Sammy. We aren’t continuing are we?”

Sam smirked, “No, Dean, not with an angel wandering around the bunker.”

Dean got up and put his shirt back on and straightened up. He gave Sam a quick kiss, as a reminder that this will continue later on before leaving his room and heading to his own. Peeking into the hall there was no sign of Cas, thankfully.

But Cas was nearby, just around the corner of the hallway. He had stopped when he heard Dean talking.

_Continue? What are they continuing?_

_Why did Sam lie?_

_I better ask Dean._

He heard Dean shut his bedroom door and decided to wait a while before asking him. He could feel the tension on the air, something was off.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Dean sat down on his bed, trying to wrap his head around everything that just happened. He knew a few things: 1. He had feelings for Sam and so did Sam. 2. These feelings were more than what brothers should feel for each other. 3. Cas could never find out. No one could. And 4. He was definitely going to hell.

_Well, I always knew I’d be going back to Hell. Might as well live while I can._

_Cas can’t find out. No one can. How would we explain that?!_

_Mom especially can’t find out. Oh shit, Mom. We should call her. She has no idea what’s been going on._

Dean decided to wait to call Mary. Give him some time to think of what to say. He couldn’t exactly just call her and tell her the truth. ‘Oh yeah, so Sam got addicted to demon blood. Again. We got into a huge fight. Again. Went our separate ways. Again. Only to be brought back together, him detoxing. And now he’s all good. How have you been?’ And he absolutely could not add in ‘Also by the way, Sammy and I have feelings for each other. You know, emotional and sexual. Love.’

Dean nervously laughed at his own thoughts. He didn’t think any of this would ever plan out how he’d like it to. Him and Sammy, together, secretly.

Dean got up and decided to go out for a supply run, beer and pizza. He needed to clear his head, figure out a game plan for all of this.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

Sam heard Dean in the garage starting Baby up. He was in the kitchen, making himself a quick snack before heading back to the library. He wondered where Dean was headed.

_I wonder if he regrets it._

_No, no. Of course he doesn’t. He seemed to want to continue after Cas came by._

_Everything is fine. Right?_

Sam sat down at the table in the library. Opening his laptop he began searching for anything that would be up their alley in terms of a case. He figured getting back out on a hunt would do them both good. And possibly some alone time to talk things out, as well as more intimate privacy.

After digging through multiple new sites, trying to find something he found one that might be a possible case. A couple had been killed in their home. No forced entry, no fingerprints, no nothing. But when looking into the history of the house, this had happened four other times over the course of the house's history. Sam thought it sounded like a vengeful spirit. Perfect.

Sam got all the information together for the potential case, and waited for Dean to get back home. An hour later Dean came in carrying a large pizza and a six-pack of beer.

“Hey Sammy. Got some dinner,” Dean said happily as he sat the food down on the table.

Dean sat down across from Sam, kicking his feet up on the table. Sam grabbed a beer and a slice of pizza, Dean did the same. They sat and talked for a few minutes before Sam told him about the case.

“Finally! I’ll go get ready once in a second here. How far is it?” Dean asked, glad to finally be getting back to work with Sam.

“Bout a day's drive.”

“Good. It’s been too long, Sammy.”

Sam smiled, “I know. I’ve missed it.”

“You sure you're ready to get back to it?” Questioned Dean.

“Yeah, Dean. I am.”

Not long after they finished eating, the Winchesters got their bags together, weapons prepared, and the car all checked. Once inside the Impala, Dean cracked the radio up. He was in a good mood, he had been waiting for this moment. The moment when Sam and him would go back to normal.

Normal, of course, was different now. They had opened up, sorta, about their feelings. But that's besides the point. Dean was waiting for the normal of hunting, working a case alongside his brother. Plus this would give them a chance to be alone, figure this whole thing out.


End file.
